There was a sign in a South Carolina restaurant, “Don’t make fun of our coffee. You may be old and weak yourself someday.” It reminded me of the time I met a 22-year-old, new college grad who was visiting her family.

I was pouring French Vanilla creamer into my cup when I saw Nina tip her mug to her lips. I marveled, “Wow, you take it black?”

She nodded, “Yeah, first thing in the morning I need my coffee to hit me right in the face.”

I love coffee, but it has to have an abundance of specialty creamer or a lot of milk and sugar. This equates to 1/4 cup of coffee and 3/4 of everything supposedly not good for me. Like I care. 

I really feel we need to eat what we want. This is not to say we should, at one sitting, eat a 9x13 Texas sheet cake by ourselves. I wouldn’t promote that. I’d say try consuming half for a bit, then build up to the whole.

Basically, we need to be happy and eat what we like and leave the stuff we don’t like. Why eat right to live 10 more years — in the end years, and while we should move our bodies, don’t go crazy.

The treadmill, originally called the treadwheel, was developed as a punishment device for British prisoners. It was banned as inhumane there by 1900. I banned the one in our bedroom when I grew weary of pulling clothes off it like somebody’s personal valet.

James Fuller Fixx popularized jogging with a book he wrote, “The Complete Book of Running,” then died of a heart attack at 52 while on a jog. I rest my case.

Rabbits, who jog everywhere they go, live for what, eight years? While the turtle, who has never run a day in his life, survives to the ripe old age of maybe 100. I mean could the evidence be any clearer? You don’t have to hit me over the head with a stick.

I contacted our local forest service to tell them the mountain trails needed to be constructed to avoid going uphill. Please, understand I’m not dissing brisk walks nor vegetables. Walking as fast as you can as slow as you need to are paramount, and carrots are definitely good for the eyes. Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses? Personally, I feel carrots are a great thing to eat when you’re hungry and want to stay that way. 

If you’re not convinced that we’re goofy to be so enthralled with health foods, I’ll tell you, Colonel Harland Sanders, whose fried chicken recipe created Kentucky Fried Chicken, the world’s second-largest restaurant chain, died at 90 years old. Seeing the light?

Michele Ferrero, the creator of Nutella, died at the age of 89. And now a word from our sponsor — make pancakes, any pancakes, because I’ve never met a pancake I didn’t love. Now thickly smear Nutella over it and add another pancake on top. Throw on chopped strawberries, then pile on sweetened whipped cream. Don’t use Cool Whip or I’ll hunt you down. 

Winston Churchill loved rich foods, expensive liquor and fine cigars. Given today’s health pronouncements, Winston should have died an agonizing early death. In fact, he lived to be 90. In contrast, tennis star Arthur Ashe kept himself in excellent shape and avoided smoking, yet he suffered two heart attacks by age 40. Arthur died at 49 from pneumonia after acquiring the AIDS virus while receiving tainted blood during heart surgery.

I wish Arthur could have tried my Nutella pancakes. We’d have kept it a secret from the health nut industry.

I really think I could have been Winston Churchill in another life. Besides eating what he wanted, he famously said, “Nations that go down fighting rise again, and those that surrender tamely are finished.”

I feel like everything is worth fighting over, and I’ll go down with the ship just to prove I’m right in an argument. Poor Gar.

While not being goofy about it, I try to stay robust and rosy-cheeked. I’d gained a couple pounds over the winter, so started walking in the mornings before going to my client’s cabin. One morning I told her I’d taken a walk before coming to see her.

Totally missing the point, she, serious as a heart attack, replied, “You just come here whenever you want in the mornings, you don’t have to kill time by taking a walk.”

I love this woman so much.